Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Weird Ass Things My Toddler Makes Me Do

I think I might know what it's like to be a rock star's assistant. Toddlers are notorious for being picky, crazy people and I know now that all the stories are true. Here are just a few things Small Human needs in order to be happy:

  • His chicken nuggets taste better as leftovers, but he needs them to be heated in the microwave one at a time. If you give him four or even two at once, he won't eat them all because they won't be the temperature he likes them to be at.
  • If he feels like his hands are dirty, he won't stop shrieking at you until you wipe them or wash them, even if it's imaginary dirt that only he sees.
  • He likes toast with peanut butter but will only eat it if it's sliced into strips with very minimal crust. It's also fancy organic toast with equally fancy seeds.
  • He won't eat the part of the bread that he has held with his fingers. That is reserved for throwing across the room or feeding to daddy (not mommy).
  • When he asks for something, that doesn't mean that is what he wants. That would be too easy. ie. "Cheese! Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!" (gives him cheese) "Noooooo blechhhh."
  • He makes me kiss an owie until he deems it all better (this one is pretty adorable).
  • When we leave the house he needs at least one or two things from the house to bring with him. Sometimes it's something handy like a hat of his choosing, other times it's a spatula, or very breakable water glass, or an unbelievably enormous toy that I have to negotiate with him to leave at home.  It always ends up tossed aside for something outside anyway.
  • He makes me peel oranges for him but only so he can watch. He gags if I try to give him a piece.

Toddlers are so weird. These are just the things that I can recall off the top of my head, but there are a few strange things I've missed for sure. If you don't want to be a parent, don't because I wanted it more than anything and I just barely have the patience to get through a day. There's a lot of frustration, a lot of love, a lot of anger, a lot of laughter, but above all you need patience. You really need to take a step back sometimes and oh, I don't know, maybe write a blog post about the cute little human you created and are raising. I find that really helps me not see him as a crazy, eccentric coworker who likes to whine, throw things and writhe on the floor when he's tired or doesn't get his way. Oh man, motherhood.

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