Monday, August 31, 2015

Mommy Monster

Like every parent, I want the best for my child. Sometimes this translates to being the bad guy, which comes as no surprise to anyone. We've all been at the receiving end of one of our parents' withering looks, it's just a part of life, right?

It's our job as parents to make sure these little people turn into healthy adults who are capable of making good decisions one day. What nobody tells you is how difficult and heart breaking it can be, and how the guilt from yelling at your beautiful little boy can keep you from falling asleep at night.

We have allowed Small Human to fall into some bad sleeping habits lately because I've been desperate and tired, and getting hugely pregnant and lazy with each passing day. It can't continue though, especially not with a new baby arriving in just five weeks, so last night I decided to nip it in the bud. No more falling asleep on the couch or the floor of the hallway, he has to sleep in his bed like a big boy.

I'm not entirely sure it was the right decision to physically wrestle him into his bed last night; I'm definitely unsure about yelling at him not to get out of his bed and leave the room for the third time that night; I have no idea if angrily threatening to pull him out of preschool while his face crumpled up was the right card to play; All I know is that he finally chose to stop crying and fell asleep in his own bed for the first time in weeks, and yet it only feels like a partial victory. Did I make these choices because I'm over exhausted? Was I acting out of anger? Was I being irrational and emotional? Did I really do that for his good?

There is nothing anyone can say to make me feel like I'm not a terrible monster of a mother, and I know many of you can understand that. Not every day as a parent can be a beautiful, happy Instagram picture. I hate making my baby cry. I hate hurting him, or making him feel like I've somehow betrayed him. He's supposed to be able to trust me, and I'm supposed to serve as his refuge, especially in these early years, the only years I get where he is still just mine. Tough love they call it, you don't want your kid to turn into a spoiled brat, they say, only why do I feel like I've failed at my job?

It's 1:30am and I'm exhausted and still demoralized hours later. People keep telling me it will get better. I just hope he knows that mommy still loves him more than anything when he wakes up, and I hope he still trusts me in the morning.

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