This has been a really challenging year for us. I always like to try to keep things real, so you'll see no fake happiness, no overly saccharine proclamations of love, and no pictures of our family's perfect Sunday pancake brunch each week. However, my intention was never to make this a mommy blog meant to scare people away from parenthood, I only wanted to be genuine! Anyway, that was my long-winded way of saying: I'm sorry I'm so whiny all the time.
I love my life, I'm just really tired. If I could have a housekeeper, chef, and nanny, with weekly scheduled date nights with my husband, perhaps my life would be easier, but I'm proud of what we accomplish, just us two. Today though, I could've really used a household staff forreals.
Small Human scared the living daylights out of me while I was working out last night. He is my child who never wakes up, naps like a champion, and has been sleeping through the night since he was 6 months old. He had a mild fever, and refused to go back to sleep in his bed, only on the couch.
This morning we were awakened by his usual, heavy little footsteps, cries for daddy, and then the telltale, horrifying, gurgling cough of a toddler puking in our bedroom, and proclaiming that he had already puked in the living room. Good morning to us!
The rest of the day was spent trying to get him to barf in the barf bucket (and refusing to, preferring to vomit on the carpet), me accidentally feeding my sick son rancid crackers that only made him puke some more, and mopping up and disinfecting for what felt like hours and hours nonstop. All the while, trying to keep the little babiest human happy and occupied, and preventing him from crawling all over the hazmat spots in the house, and then looking away for a second and looking back to find him popping rabbit poop into his mouth. Poop, he will eat poop but not the damn organic baby snacks that I buy him from the grocery store where they sell edible food for people.
It's now a quarter to midnight, and I have a febrile little boy sleeping next to me on the kitchen floor as I write this blog post, because I don't have the heart to go to my comfy bed and leave him out here alone. I wonder if he'll remember this one day. Gotta go take his temp for the thousandth time. May you all be healthy and well!
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
You're Not a Failure, You're Doing a Great Job
Sometimes I feel like a complete and utter failure as a mother. I'm not fishing for compliments or looking for reassurance, I'm just putting it out there. There are some days where I think I just suck, and you know what? That's ok. I know you all probably think you royally suck too, sometimes.
There is a lot of pressure nowadays as a parent. You're either too much of a Perfect Pinterest mom that everyone else hates; or you're the antisocial mom who is uncomfortable with play dates; you may be too stressed about your parenting choices and feeling judged all the damn time; or generally feeling like nothing is going the way you thought things would or should go. And there seems to be a lot of really annoying, unsolicited advice all the time too.
I know I'm feeling this way because I need to sleep, and because I need a babysitter (what's new??). Life is challenging right now, raising two kids, one of whom doesn't know how to sleep, and with a husband who works as hard as he does for us, often at work until past midnight. It's tough, but you just keep going, and to keep sane you have to take a step back and look at all the things you are doing right too.
Things I'm Doing Ok At:
There is a lot of pressure nowadays as a parent. You're either too much of a Perfect Pinterest mom that everyone else hates; or you're the antisocial mom who is uncomfortable with play dates; you may be too stressed about your parenting choices and feeling judged all the damn time; or generally feeling like nothing is going the way you thought things would or should go. And there seems to be a lot of really annoying, unsolicited advice all the time too.
I know I'm feeling this way because I need to sleep, and because I need a babysitter (what's new??). Life is challenging right now, raising two kids, one of whom doesn't know how to sleep, and with a husband who works as hard as he does for us, often at work until past midnight. It's tough, but you just keep going, and to keep sane you have to take a step back and look at all the things you are doing right too.
Things I'm Doing Ok At:
- my small humans are alive, healthy, clean, warm, and fed
- I was able to fix the loose toilet seat in my bathroom by myself
How Can I Add Joy To My Life?:
- treat myself to a Big Mac with extra sauce
- when I feel like yelling at my kids, close my eyes and take a deep yoga breath and count to 10, because it always feels awful to yell at my beautiful children
- take a moment to write a blog post
My lower back muscles are spasming right now, but I need to get back to mom life before my house gets destroyed by Typhoon Noah and Hurricane Elias. You're not a failure, you're doing a great job.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Fresh Perspective
There's really nothing better than getting some time away from your children when you're a stay at home parent. Small Human is in summer camp five days a week, for just four hours a day, but it honestly helps me to recharge and allows me to see things with fresh eyes. I discovered some green paint caked into the links of my watch, and instead of being annoyed or stressed out about it, I thought, "Awww, this was from the other day when I lifted Noah into the car and he was covered in fresh green paint from one of his camp projects!" A very different reaction from the day of, when he smeared green paint all over my white car and its tan interior. I was not a happy mommy
Then this afternoon, for the first time in a very stressful and hectic couple of weeks, I finally just breathed a huge sigh of relief. Tidbit, my rabbit of 8 years is on the mend from her annual shedding/digestive troubles; both my boys are napping; I'm showered, fed, and caffeinated, and I feel, dare I say it, happy.
I adore my family, but in order to keep my sanity, I need a break. A reprieve from the whining and the crying, the nursing and the feeding; a break from being touched all day, every day, and from the constant questions and never ending needs. Don't get me wrong, the stress hasn't been erased and there is always some new stressor on the horizon, but it's now a little bit more manageable today. Sometimes, a girl just needs to think about something fun and vapid like what toenail polish she wants to put on her toes next, ya know?
Oftentimes, I wish that what I did was more valued by society. I work just as hard as people in the workforce, but being a mother and only a mother is seen as giving up on a career, giving up on one's life, or not contributing. I have no regrets whatsoever, and I can't single-handedly change the world, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
Then this afternoon, for the first time in a very stressful and hectic couple of weeks, I finally just breathed a huge sigh of relief. Tidbit, my rabbit of 8 years is on the mend from her annual shedding/digestive troubles; both my boys are napping; I'm showered, fed, and caffeinated, and I feel, dare I say it, happy.
I adore my family, but in order to keep my sanity, I need a break. A reprieve from the whining and the crying, the nursing and the feeding; a break from being touched all day, every day, and from the constant questions and never ending needs. Don't get me wrong, the stress hasn't been erased and there is always some new stressor on the horizon, but it's now a little bit more manageable today. Sometimes, a girl just needs to think about something fun and vapid like what toenail polish she wants to put on her toes next, ya know?
Oftentimes, I wish that what I did was more valued by society. I work just as hard as people in the workforce, but being a mother and only a mother is seen as giving up on a career, giving up on one's life, or not contributing. I have no regrets whatsoever, and I can't single-handedly change the world, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
Friday, July 22, 2016
My Mom Bod and Keeping Healthy
This is a bit of a terrifying blog post for me to write, because it's about my body, and I find that women's bodies on the internet are such a source of contention. So much shaming goes on that I'm almost confused when I meet someone who isn't self deprecating or completely insecure.
Since becoming a mother, I have been unhappy with my body. I loved being pregnant both times, but both times I also gained more weight than the randomly allotted 25 lbs you're "supposed" to gain during pregnancy. It is sad that so many mothers feel this way when we have just done something truly miraculous with our bodies. A life was created, grown, and brought into the world through these bodies that we love to bash and criticize. Why aren't we more proud of ourselves?
I was tired of feeling tired and unhappy, so I decided to start exercising again. I haven't done much in terms of dieting because I love to eat and I love to eat a lot, but I have been eating more greens and trying to eat less fast food (but I still love my occasional Big Macs). Honestly, I don't have a whole lot of time to exercise, but I try to get 20 - 30 minutes a day in of something, whether it's cycling, yoga, pilates, or some random squats, planks, push-ups, and dips. The important thing for me is to get my body moving. I don't measure my heart rate, I just measure whether or not I'm sweating and breathing hard!
Back at the end of March, I purchased a Fitbit, to help me track my steps in a day and encourage/entice/force me to get moving. Sometimes it really isn't easy, especially since my 9 month old only just started sleeping through the night this week. So if I can do it, anyone can.
When I started to exercise again at the end of March I was 135 lbs, and now I am 117 lbs. It doesn't sound like much, but keep in mind that I'm just barely 5'3". Anyway, the point wasn't to lose a ton of weight, the point was to feel confident in my own body again, and to feel healthier and happier, and I am. One of my dearest mom friends told me that in order to make something a part of your life, you have to turn it into a habit, which takes 21 days. If you think this might be something you want to try, challenge yourself and do something good for yourself for 21 days, it couldn't hurt to try right?
This is so scary for me, but here is a before and after pic. I took it to prove to myself that I succeeded, and so that I can finally shut my pie hole and stop bashing myself, because there is nothing to bash! This is me, this is my body. It carried my two sons, endured one labour, two c-sections, a miscarriage, has fully healed, and allows me to play, run after, and take care of my family. And you know what? I am proud of it.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend, friends. xoxo
Since becoming a mother, I have been unhappy with my body. I loved being pregnant both times, but both times I also gained more weight than the randomly allotted 25 lbs you're "supposed" to gain during pregnancy. It is sad that so many mothers feel this way when we have just done something truly miraculous with our bodies. A life was created, grown, and brought into the world through these bodies that we love to bash and criticize. Why aren't we more proud of ourselves?
I was tired of feeling tired and unhappy, so I decided to start exercising again. I haven't done much in terms of dieting because I love to eat and I love to eat a lot, but I have been eating more greens and trying to eat less fast food (but I still love my occasional Big Macs). Honestly, I don't have a whole lot of time to exercise, but I try to get 20 - 30 minutes a day in of something, whether it's cycling, yoga, pilates, or some random squats, planks, push-ups, and dips. The important thing for me is to get my body moving. I don't measure my heart rate, I just measure whether or not I'm sweating and breathing hard!
Back at the end of March, I purchased a Fitbit, to help me track my steps in a day and encourage/entice/force me to get moving. Sometimes it really isn't easy, especially since my 9 month old only just started sleeping through the night this week. So if I can do it, anyone can.
When I started to exercise again at the end of March I was 135 lbs, and now I am 117 lbs. It doesn't sound like much, but keep in mind that I'm just barely 5'3". Anyway, the point wasn't to lose a ton of weight, the point was to feel confident in my own body again, and to feel healthier and happier, and I am. One of my dearest mom friends told me that in order to make something a part of your life, you have to turn it into a habit, which takes 21 days. If you think this might be something you want to try, challenge yourself and do something good for yourself for 21 days, it couldn't hurt to try right?
This is so scary for me, but here is a before and after pic. I took it to prove to myself that I succeeded, and so that I can finally shut my pie hole and stop bashing myself, because there is nothing to bash! This is me, this is my body. It carried my two sons, endured one labour, two c-sections, a miscarriage, has fully healed, and allows me to play, run after, and take care of my family. And you know what? I am proud of it.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend, friends. xoxo
 |
| Progress over 3 months |
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
It's Tough Right Now
Life is kind of tough for me right now. I'm giving all of me, everything I have to give. I'm tired from not sleeping, gross from not showering as much as I'd like, and not getting to wash my bed sheets as often as I want to. I'm exhausted from trying my best to answer 300 questions a day from my eager to learn, very precocious toddler; I'm tired of being everything to the little baby, who cries like a banshee when momie's not holding him. There is always a drink to get somebody, food that is needed by someone, a mess to clean up, a butt to wipe, laundry to attend to, much needed supplies to refill, and you know, somehow taking care of my own basic human needs too.
There is really nothing I can do but keep trudging on, keep on going until I can get even the tiniest break. Whether it's hiding in the bathroom for 5 minutes, or getting to exercise while one or both of the boys are asleep, it's so necessary for me to keep sane and help me recharge.
Life could be completely different though. When the little baby is not sleeping through the night and crying non stop because of his teeth, I have to remind myself that this may not even have happened at all. For a brief but heartbreaking moment, I thought I wouldn't be able to have this all again, and it was something I wanted so desperately. I'm so very grateful to have had the ability to do this again!
I try to remember, when I've had enough and I want to rip all my (greasy) hair out because I'm being touched by tiny people all day, getting frustrated by nobody listening to me, and when I'm being prevented from resting like a normal human being overnight, that this will one day all end. One day, no one will ask me the best and funniest questions because they are trying to figure life out; no one will cry because I'm not in view; no one will think that my hug and kiss are all that is required to make them feel better. They'll be able to get their own food, wash their own, no longer little bodies, even take themselves to school, and I can guarantee you (because I know myself) that I will miss it and ache for it! It's a difficult thing to remember when you're right in the thick of the sleepless nights, and trying to meet the needs of small humans all day long.
So if you're wondering where I've been, that is where. We still have great fun too, of course! But it's definitely the hardest I have ever worked and I often feel brain dead. I look forward to reading this again in the future and laughing it off, but for now, it's my little moment of catharsis. Thanks for sharing in this moment with me.
I try to remember, when I've had enough and I want to rip all my (greasy) hair out because I'm being touched by tiny people all day, getting frustrated by nobody listening to me, and when I'm being prevented from resting like a normal human being overnight, that this will one day all end. One day, no one will ask me the best and funniest questions because they are trying to figure life out; no one will cry because I'm not in view; no one will think that my hug and kiss are all that is required to make them feel better. They'll be able to get their own food, wash their own, no longer little bodies, even take themselves to school, and I can guarantee you (because I know myself) that I will miss it and ache for it! It's a difficult thing to remember when you're right in the thick of the sleepless nights, and trying to meet the needs of small humans all day long.
So if you're wondering where I've been, that is where. We still have great fun too, of course! But it's definitely the hardest I have ever worked and I often feel brain dead. I look forward to reading this again in the future and laughing it off, but for now, it's my little moment of catharsis. Thanks for sharing in this moment with me.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Relaxing Shower?
Last night after dinner and before the boys' bedtime, I decided to take a shower. Brendan was still en route from Boston to Seattle at that point, so it was just me and the small humans. I've been working out and sweating more, so I just wanted to get showering out of the way early without risking waking one or both of them up later since our place is pretty small.
If you've ever wondered what it's like to attempt a shower with a toddler and a baby, it goes something like this:
If you've ever wondered what it's like to attempt a shower with a toddler and a baby, it goes something like this:
- Turn on The Incredibles so Noah will be distracted. It works for about two peaceful minutes
- Elias starts to whine, so I sing You are my Sunshine from inside the shower, on loop
- Noah barges in and asks me 75,000 questions like, "Why is water wet?" and "Mommy, where is your penis?"
- Then the toddler announces he has to poop, and that "it's gonna be a stinky one" (he was right)
- The baby starts screaming. My baby is the loudest screamer I have ever encountered in my life. It is seriously unreal and deafening, so you can imagine how pleasant this was in a tiny enclosed space
- While Elias screams, Noah starts to freak out about how his butt is itchy and also starts screaming
- OMG I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A SHOWER
- I have to quickly finish up to calm the screaming baby and clean the little boy's butt, and have been instructed by my bossy boy to "dry off completely so you don't get water all over me".
That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you take a shower with a baby and a toddler. It's 0% relaxing, 50% kinda stressful, 50% necessary only if you're absolutely crazy.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
I Did It
Brendan has been working hard for us as usual, and this past week he has been away on the east coast, Boston to be exact, at PAX East, a gaming expo. While he's been working on promoting their upcoming video game (Astroneer), I've been holding down the fort at home, and doing an awesome job (mostly).
I'm embarrassingly proud of myself for parenting alone for almost a whole week. Both kids are happy, healthy, engaged, not destroying my home, and we've been doing fun activities and going on outings. I pretty much rocked parenting until today, even though I haven't been getting much sleep. Today the clothes dryer stopped working, I ran out of coffee grounds because my subscription isn't arriving until tomorrow, and it hasn't stopped raining since 6:30am.
It's alright though, because of this one glorious little app on my phone called Postmates. I think the company is based out of San Francisco, and it's basically a delivery service for almost anything you can think of. Today, they brought me sanity in the form of McDonald's hot cakes for Noah and a sausage egg McMuffin meal for momie, complete with a giant coffee.
When the delivery guy arrived, Noah was so excited, and in true toddler fashion exclaimed, "Hey! You are a man and you are bringing us food and a BIG coffee for mumum! I don't drink coffee, I'm too wittle. You are a nice man, fank you!" Why is he so funny? Happy Sunday everyone, may your coffee cups be full and your children happy.
I'm embarrassingly proud of myself for parenting alone for almost a whole week. Both kids are happy, healthy, engaged, not destroying my home, and we've been doing fun activities and going on outings. I pretty much rocked parenting until today, even though I haven't been getting much sleep. Today the clothes dryer stopped working, I ran out of coffee grounds because my subscription isn't arriving until tomorrow, and it hasn't stopped raining since 6:30am.
It's alright though, because of this one glorious little app on my phone called Postmates. I think the company is based out of San Francisco, and it's basically a delivery service for almost anything you can think of. Today, they brought me sanity in the form of McDonald's hot cakes for Noah and a sausage egg McMuffin meal for momie, complete with a giant coffee.
When the delivery guy arrived, Noah was so excited, and in true toddler fashion exclaimed, "Hey! You are a man and you are bringing us food and a BIG coffee for mumum! I don't drink coffee, I'm too wittle. You are a nice man, fank you!" Why is he so funny? Happy Sunday everyone, may your coffee cups be full and your children happy.
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