Eight More Sleeps

We have been counting down to Baby Day for Noah's sake. We're hoping it will get him excited for meeting his baby brother, and also hope that it makes him feel included. Right now, I feel like the new baby is this abstract thing that has made mommy grow larger, more impatient, and sometimes causes her pain. When the baby kicks me hard enough to make me yelp, he runs to me, concerned! He is such a sweet boy for the most part. He still sometimes forgets to be gentle and not jump on me when I'm lying down, but he's a toddler, they are rough and tumble, loving little creatures.

My firstborn is growing up so quickly. They are learning about their feelings in preschool this week, which I admittedly thought was too big an idea for such small people to comprehend, but he came home with a basic understanding of the word, frustration. I couldn't believe it, I was shocked and proud. He likes to sleep with three very specific things in bed with him: his water bottle, his rock, and his blue shovel. We couldn't find his shovel before nap and he turned to me to tell me, "Can't find my blue shovel, mumum! I'm frustrated!". I tried not to laugh at the cuteness.

I'm going to miss my rambunctious big boy when I'm in the hospital, but he told me that he has to visit mommy in the hospital, which I know will melt me into a big puddle of mush. We're planning on giving him a big brother present for when that happens. What did you do for your firstborns when their baby siblings arrived? These are a few ideas we're considering:

Aaaand I'm Done

I (mostly) love being pregnant, looking pregnant, and feeling my son kick the crap out of me from the inside, but I think I'm done now. 38.5 weeks! Baby Wilson #2 will be here in a week and two days via c-section, which feels both so close and so far away. I pretty much look and feel like I'm going to explode. My balance is just silly, I almost tipped right over and down the hill yesterday while walking up to the house.

I would also very much like to have my body back. I know I'll never look like I did on my wedding day, but I will settle for being a healthy size 6 (or 4!), and not a size 6 plus beach ball, face chub, giant swollen feet, and heartburn. My belly shelf was novel for about two weeks, now it's just completely in my way. I have to cook and wash the dishes sideways. SIDEWAYS. This accounts for much of my back pain, I'm sure.

Would you like to know a funny bit of trivia? It is almost October, and I have been pregnant for all of 2015 so far! That is just bananas. Happy Monday!

Home Stretch

It's hard to believe that in just a little over two weeks, we will be a family of four! (Plus a bunny) September has been a busy, yet rough month for us. Brendan has been working non-stop, pretty much seven days a week because work is launching Halo 5 very, very soon. That leaves me with my hands quite full at home, nine months pregnant with a super energetic toddler. My mobility has been oscillating between alright and not mobile at all, and my energy level is nil.

We did celebrate our five year wedding anniversary this month, as well as Brendan's 33rd birthday, so that was nice! We also had a lovely visit from some old friends, and Small Human also recently started toddler preschool (growing up so fast!). We unfortunately had a couple yucky trips to the vet for Tidbit, but she seems to be doing much better now, fingers crossed. As for the new baby, he feels positively enormous in my stomach and he still has more than two weeks to keep growing some more! Oy. I am so, so tired, but we're close to the end, which is such a relief on many different levels. I can't wait to meet this kicky little boy. I also can't wait for my rib/groin/ab/ligament/joint/sciatic nerve/swollen foot pain to go away after delivery.

I have been meaning to do so many blog posts about various different things. Like what's handy to have in your car when you're a mom; about building a good first aid kit; and of course, what's in my hospital bag this time around, but I pretty much sleep during my free time now. Either that or I'm very slowly trying to accomplish household tasks, like laundry, groceries, vacuuming, and getting all the baby clothes washed and ready to go. Everything feels 100% harder these days, I'm just the crankiest lady right now!

My blog won't be very interesting for awhile, and for that I apologize. This pregnancy has been much tougher on me, but I'm hanging in there. Thanks for all your messages of positivity and well wishes! They are very much appreciated. xoxo

Mommy Monster

Like every parent, I want the best for my child. Sometimes this translates to being the bad guy, which comes as no surprise to anyone. We've all been at the receiving end of one of our parents' withering looks, it's just a part of life, right?

It's our job as parents to make sure these little people turn into healthy adults who are capable of making good decisions one day. What nobody tells you is how difficult and heart breaking it can be, and how the guilt from yelling at your beautiful little boy can keep you from falling asleep at night.

We have allowed Small Human to fall into some bad sleeping habits lately because I've been desperate and tired, and getting hugely pregnant and lazy with each passing day. It can't continue though, especially not with a new baby arriving in just five weeks, so last night I decided to nip it in the bud. No more falling asleep on the couch or the floor of the hallway, he has to sleep in his bed like a big boy.

I'm not entirely sure it was the right decision to physically wrestle him into his bed last night; I'm definitely unsure about yelling at him not to get out of his bed and leave the room for the third time that night; I have no idea if angrily threatening to pull him out of preschool while his face crumpled up was the right card to play; All I know is that he finally chose to stop crying and fell asleep in his own bed for the first time in weeks, and yet it only feels like a partial victory. Did I make these choices because I'm over exhausted? Was I acting out of anger? Was I being irrational and emotional? Did I really do that for his good?

There is nothing anyone can say to make me feel like I'm not a terrible monster of a mother, and I know many of you can understand that. Not every day as a parent can be a beautiful, happy Instagram picture. I hate making my baby cry. I hate hurting him, or making him feel like I've somehow betrayed him. He's supposed to be able to trust me, and I'm supposed to serve as his refuge, especially in these early years, the only years I get where he is still just mine. Tough love they call it, you don't want your kid to turn into a spoiled brat, they say, only why do I feel like I've failed at my job?

It's 1:30am and I'm exhausted and still demoralized hours later. People keep telling me it will get better. I just hope he knows that mommy still loves him more than anything when he wakes up, and I hope he still trusts me in the morning.

Broken Momie

I had a truly traumatizing Wednesday evening that led to an almost equally difficult Thursday. My Wednesday started off well with an easy summer camp drop off, luxurious walk through the neighborhood, manicure, and lunch from the bakery. The problems really began after nap was done. Small Human had been full of tantrums as soon as I picked him up from camp (which he never wants to leave), and unfortunately continued post nap.

He was driving me crazy and when I have a tough time my go-to comfort food is always a Big Mac with extra sauce. Since my OB appointment this week went well and my weight has been right on track, I didn't feel guilty about indulging. I learned a hard lesson that day about only going to drive-thrus, however. I will now only exclusively go to drive-thrus if I am ever fast fooding it.

The closest McDonald's to our house is a walk-in only, and I'm no fool, I coached Noah on how to behave in order to acquire some french fry action. "Don't run away from mommy. Stay close to mommy. Stand next to mommy. Listen to mommy." Silly Momie took toddler assent to be the equivalent of a binding legal agreement, which it most certainly never is in the toddler world.

If the service had been faster, I bet this whole situation could have been avoided, but the poor kid got bored and started acting up. Then someone left the restaurant, leaving the door wide open, and Noah seized the opportunity and ran right out. I thought he was going to run to our car, which was right in front of the door, but he turned and ran towards the busy street instead! I don't even know how I managed it at 8 months pregnant and this humongous, but I bolted after him and after several seconds of pure horror for me and sheer joy for him, I grabbed hold of his arm and we both fell to the sidewalk before he reached the street.

I was relieved, livid, frustrated and horrified. We went back in, got our food, and when we were both buckled into the car I burst into tears. Pain had started to explode in my abs, groin and thighs, but the baby seemed to be happily kicking in there, so I wasn't worried about him. The rest of my evening was spent angry, and with me lying around with strategically placed ice packs all over me after Noah was down for the night. The next morning I could barely walk, I could hobble-waddle, and only after Brendan physically lifted me out of the bed.

All is now normal, and I know that the safest course of action to take with my incredibly fast son is to wrestle him into a stroller everywhere we go from now on. We both got lucky that nothing tragic happened to either of us. Here's hoping Baby #2 is a bit mellower. Gah.

Happy weekend, everybody!

Preggo Life

I'm really sorry to have gone missing for over a week. My priorities as of late have shifted to sleeping, eating, and chasing my toddler, and that's pretty much it. That doesn't really make for a very interesting blog post. Everything is going really well, aside from some severe bouts of leg cramps and an emotional meltdown last Friday where I couldn't stop crying uncontrollably for no real reason. You know, all run of the mill pregnant stuff!

In exactly 7 short weeks we will be meeting our tiniest human! I'm excited and a little bit nervous, but I'm so ready to not be pregnant anymore. My second son is bigger (according to our last ultrasound), and has much stronger kicks, which results in less restful sleep and having trouble fitting food in my stomach. I have been eating and drinking small bites and sips throughout the day to stay energized, which is really weird for me, because I usually like to eat a lot at once.

We're not totally sure, but Noah seems to be excited to meet his baby brother. Also, he's been looking like such a big kid lately, it's freaking me out. He has huge hands and feet now and is talking and singing non-stop; he is great at potty pees, but prefers to poop in a diaper; and somehow we're in the last two weeks of summer camp and about to embark on preschool in the fall. Time is both speeding past and inching by simultaneously. My first son is growing up so quickly, and yet my second son feels like he will never get here.

I'm happy though, and enjoying my last easy weeks of having a singleton. Happy Hump Day!

Maternity tee from Weestructed

32 and a half weeks pregnant!

Dancing with my boy

Still Feel Weird & Yucky About It

Whenever I go to my Obstetrician's office, which is becoming much more frequent now that baby Wilson #2's arrival approaches, I still get a gross tingly feeling in my feet every time I pass by the room I had my D&C in.

Isn't it funny how the brain works? There is now a large and healthy occupant in my uterus, but I still mourn the baby that never was, and the traumatizing month that ensued. I'm really glad people are starting to talk about miscarriages more, with the help of Mark Zuckerberg sharing his wife's story, YouTube vloggers being open about their experiences, and the many, many truthful Scary Mommy bloggers.

It probably seems like all I have done this pregnancy is complain, but please don't ever mistake that for my not being incredibly grateful every day for this baby. I haven't met him yet and I am already completely in love. I just don't love the aches and pains this time around is all!

Feeling connected to this pregnancy was tough at first because I didn't want to have to endure yet another devastating loss. I was able to check on and see this little guy's heartbeat at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks and 20 weeks, and one last time this Friday before we get to see him with our own eyes!

I'd like to thank each and every single one of you who has reached out and confided in me about your own experiences with pregnancy loss. I feel truly honoured to have your trust, and I'm glad to be able to provide any kind of support and empathy. Standing together honestly and openly as women and sisters is important.

Happy Monday!