Whirlwind Wilsons

You guys, it's been insane over here. A little while back we were told that we had to move out of our current apartment, which was a bit shocking, yet honestly wasn't the worst news because we've been wanting to move for some time now. The timing, however, is less than ideal, what with Brendan working (almost literally) 24/7 on his video game launching next month. How on earth does one mama search for a place to live with two young kids in tow? Well, guess what? We found a place and we move in next week. How on earth does one mama pack up a home with two kids running around like lunatics?!

It doesn't matter how because it has to happen, panic and stress attacks be damned. We actually got a bunch of packing/purging/organizing done today while Small Human was on a play date (that my amazing friend suggested and offered to host, so we could do this), and while Smallest Human had an epic nap. Brendan and I are not in the least bit pack rats, and yet it still feels like we have so much stuff!

We're excited and nervous for this new chapter in our lives, and it'll be great to finally have room for everyone. There'll be an office, a play room, even a guest bedroom, and Noah's favourite: a small, fenced in backyard. I know it's going to be great, but packing up all your things is sucky and stressful. Then there is the saying good bye part. We've made a lot of good memories here, but it's finally time to move on.

2013

2014

2015

Happy Halloween!

Alright, never in my life have I been that into Halloween. Maybe it's because I grew up in Montreal, where there wasn't a single night of trick or treating that I didn't have to cover my costume up with a giant winter coat (The 80s were a cold decade). Halloween was never like it was in E.T., where kids would wander the streets in full costume glory, comfortably, without having a parent drive alongside you so you could pop into the minivan to warm up (Yes, that happens).

Then I had kids. Small Human is ALL about fall and jacket weather, rain boots, and pretty changing leaves, and is super into Halloween. His favourite words are spooky and creepy. On top of that, I ended up having a second baby, born in October, which was a total game changer. So now I am all about Halloween, y'all. It also helps that our neighborhood has the absolute, coolest, most jaw dropping family trick or treating I have ever seen. It's straight out of some idyllic family Halloween movie, and the best part is that isn't cold.

As you may have read from a previous blog post, my boy had just had a bout of the stomach flu and had to stay home from school on Thursday, then sadly had to miss a pumpkin decorating play date on Friday, and also missed a cool birthday party at the pumpkin patch/animal petting farm on Saturday. Since he was finally feeling better, I thought I would indulge him in some cupcake making. His Auntie Eliza was sweet enough to drop off a pumpkin and pumpkin decorating kit and fun crafts, so we were still able to have fun without infecting the world.

This was my first time letting him help me bake in the kitchen if you can believe it, because Momie is a control freak. He was surprisingly really good and helpful, I was pretty impressed! I'm just so glad he's feeling better. Have a safe and fun All Hallow's Eve!

Super Momie and Super Spook

Goofball

Dumping the Pilsbury cake mix

Elias wanted to see too

He was so good!

He turned the mixer on high accidentally but it wasn't too bad

Haha Elias' face in the background!

Spying on the cupcakes

My two loves, about to duke it out over this cupcake. :P

The purple was Noah's colour of choice. We had Snoopy cupcake liners too!

My Apologies

This has been a really challenging year for us. I always like to try to keep things real, so you'll see no fake happiness, no overly saccharine proclamations of love, and no pictures of our family's perfect Sunday pancake brunch each week. However, my intention was never to make this a mommy blog meant to scare people away from parenthood, I only wanted to be genuine! Anyway, that was my long-winded way of saying: I'm sorry I'm so whiny all the time.

I love my life, I'm just really tired. If I could have a housekeeper, chef, and nanny, with weekly scheduled date nights with my husband, perhaps my life would be easier, but I'm proud of what we accomplish, just us two. Today though, I could've really used a household staff forreals.

Small Human scared the living daylights out of me while I was working out last night. He is my child who never wakes up, naps like a champion, and has been sleeping through the night since he was 6 months old. He had a mild fever, and refused to go back to sleep in his bed, only on the couch.

This morning we were awakened by his usual, heavy little footsteps, cries for daddy, and then the telltale, horrifying, gurgling cough of a toddler puking in our bedroom, and proclaiming that he had already puked in the living room. Good morning to us!

The rest of the day was spent trying to get him to barf in the barf bucket (and refusing to, preferring to vomit on the carpet), me accidentally feeding my sick son rancid crackers that only made him puke some more, and mopping up and disinfecting for what felt like hours and hours nonstop. All the while, trying to keep the little babiest human happy and occupied, and preventing him from crawling all over the hazmat spots in the house, and then looking away for a second and looking back to find him popping rabbit poop into his mouth. Poop, he will eat poop but not the damn organic baby snacks that I buy him from the grocery store where they sell edible food for people.

It's now a quarter to midnight, and I have a febrile little boy sleeping next to me on the kitchen floor as I write this blog post, because I don't have the heart to go to my comfy bed and leave him out here alone. I wonder if he'll remember this one day. Gotta go take his temp for the thousandth time. May you all be healthy and well!

You're Not a Failure, You're Doing a Great Job

Sometimes I feel like a complete and utter failure as a mother. I'm not fishing for compliments or looking for reassurance, I'm just putting it out there. There are some days where I think I just suck, and you know what? That's ok. I know you all probably think you royally suck too, sometimes.

There is a lot of pressure nowadays as a parent. You're either too much of a Perfect Pinterest mom that everyone else hates; or you're the antisocial mom who is uncomfortable with play dates; you may be too stressed about your parenting choices and feeling judged all the damn time; or generally feeling like nothing is going the way you thought things would or should go. And there seems to be a lot of really annoying, unsolicited advice all the time too.

I know I'm feeling this way because I need to sleep, and because I need a babysitter (what's new??). Life is challenging right now, raising two kids, one of whom doesn't know how to sleep, and with a husband who works as hard as he does for us, often at work until past midnight. It's tough, but you just keep going, and to keep sane you have to take a step back and look at all the things you are doing right too.

Things I'm Doing Ok At:

• my small humans are alive, healthy, clean, warm, and fed
• I was able to fix the loose toilet seat in my bathroom by myself

How Can I Add Joy To My Life?:

• treat myself to a Big Mac with extra sauce
• when I feel like yelling at my kids, close my eyes and take a deep yoga breath and count to 10, because it always feels awful to yell at my beautiful children
• take a moment to write a blog post

My lower back muscles are spasming right now, but I need to get back to mom life before my house gets destroyed by Typhoon Noah and Hurricane Elias. You're not a failure, you're doing a great job.

Fresh Perspective

There's really nothing better than getting some time away from your children when you're a stay at home parent. Small Human is in summer camp five days a week, for just four hours a day, but it honestly helps me to recharge and allows me to see things with fresh eyes. I discovered some green paint caked into the links of my watch, and instead of being annoyed or stressed out about it, I thought, "Awww, this was from the other day when I lifted Noah into the car and he was covered in fresh green paint from one of his camp projects!" A very different reaction from the day of, when he smeared green paint all over my white car and its tan interior. I was not a happy mommy

Then this afternoon, for the first time in a very stressful and hectic couple of weeks, I finally just breathed a huge sigh of relief. Tidbit, my rabbit of 8 years is on the mend from her annual shedding/digestive troubles; both my boys are napping; I'm showered, fed, and caffeinated, and I feel, dare I say it, happy.

I adore my family, but in order to keep my sanity, I need a break. A reprieve from the whining and the crying, the nursing and the feeding; a break from being touched all day, every day, and from the constant questions and never ending needs. Don't get me wrong, the stress hasn't been erased and there is always some new stressor on the horizon, but it's now a little bit more manageable today. Sometimes, a girl just needs to think about something fun and vapid like what toenail polish she wants to put on her toes next, ya know?

Oftentimes, I wish that what I did was more valued by society. I work just as hard as people in the workforce, but being a mother and only a mother is seen as giving up on a career, giving up on one's life, or not contributing. I have no regrets whatsoever, and I can't single-handedly change the world, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

My Mom Bod and Keeping Healthy

This is a bit of a terrifying blog post for me to write, because it's about my body, and I find that women's bodies on the internet are such a source of contention. So much shaming goes on that I'm almost confused when I meet someone who isn't self deprecating or completely insecure.

Since becoming a mother, I have been unhappy with my body. I loved being pregnant both times, but both times I also gained more weight than the randomly allotted 25 lbs you're "supposed" to gain during pregnancy. It is sad that so many mothers feel this way when we have just done something truly miraculous with our bodies. A life was created, grown, and brought into the world through these bodies that we love to bash and criticize. Why aren't we more proud of ourselves?

I was tired of feeling tired and unhappy, so I decided to start exercising again. I haven't done much in terms of dieting because I love to eat and I love to eat a lot, but I have been eating more greens and trying to eat less fast food (but I still love my occasional Big Macs). Honestly, I don't have a whole lot of time to exercise, but I try to get 20 - 30 minutes a day in of something, whether it's cycling, yoga, pilates, or some random squats, planks, push-ups, and dips. The important thing for me is to get my body moving. I don't measure my heart rate, I just measure whether or not I'm sweating and breathing hard!

Back at the end of March, I purchased a Fitbit, to help me track my steps in a day and encourage/entice/force me to get moving. Sometimes it really isn't easy, especially since my 9 month old only just started sleeping through the night this week. So if I can do it, anyone can.

When I started to exercise again at the end of March I was 135 lbs, and now I am 117 lbs. It doesn't sound like much, but keep in mind that I'm just barely 5'3". Anyway, the point wasn't to lose a ton of weight, the point was to feel confident in my own body again, and to feel healthier and happier, and I am. One of my dearest mom friends told me that in order to make something a part of your life, you have to turn it into a habit, which takes 21 days. If you think this might be something you want to try, challenge yourself and do something good for yourself for 21 days, it couldn't hurt to try right?

This is so scary for me, but here is a before and after pic. I took it to prove to myself that I succeeded, and so that I can finally shut my pie hole and stop bashing myself, because there is nothing to bash! This is me, this is my body. It carried my two sons, endured one labour, two c-sections, a miscarriage, has fully healed, and allows me to play, run after, and take care of my family. And you know what? I am proud of it.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend, friends. xoxo

Progress over 3 months

It's Tough Right Now

Life is kind of tough for me right now. I'm giving all of me, everything I have to give. I'm tired from not sleeping, gross from not showering as much as I'd like, and not getting to wash my bed sheets as often as I want to. I'm exhausted from trying my best to answer 300 questions a day from my eager to learn, very precocious toddler; I'm tired of being everything to the little baby, who cries like a banshee when momie's not holding him. There is always a drink to get somebody, food that is needed by someone, a mess to clean up, a butt to wipe, laundry to attend to, much needed supplies to refill, and you know, somehow taking care of my own basic human needs too.

There is really nothing I can do but keep trudging on, keep on going until I can get even the tiniest break. Whether it's hiding in the bathroom for 5 minutes, or getting to exercise while one or both of the boys are asleep, it's so necessary for me to keep sane and help me recharge.

Life could be completely different though. When the little baby is not sleeping through the night and crying non stop because of his teeth, I have to remind myself that this may not even have happened at all. For a brief but heartbreaking moment, I thought I wouldn't be able to have this all again, and it was something I wanted so desperately. I'm so very grateful to have had the ability to do this again!

I try to remember, when I've had enough and I want to rip all my (greasy) hair out because I'm being touched by tiny people all day, getting frustrated by nobody listening to me, and when I'm being prevented from resting like a normal human being overnight, that this will one day all end. One day, no one will ask me the best and funniest questions because they are trying to figure life out; no one will cry because I'm not in view; no one will think that my hug and kiss are all that is required to make them feel better. They'll be able to get their own food, wash their own, no longer little bodies, even take themselves to school, and I can guarantee you (because I know myself) that I will miss it and ache for it! It's a difficult thing to remember when you're right in the thick of the sleepless nights, and trying to meet the needs of small humans all day long.

So if you're wondering where I've been, that is where. We still have great fun too, of course! But it's definitely the hardest I have ever worked and I often feel brain dead. I look forward to reading this again in the future and laughing it off, but for now, it's my little moment of catharsis. Thanks for sharing in this moment with me.

Relaxing Shower?

Last night after dinner and before the boys' bedtime, I decided to take a shower. Brendan was still en route from Boston to Seattle at that point, so it was just me and the small humans. I've been working out and sweating more, so I just wanted to get showering out of the way early without risking waking one or both of them up later since our place is pretty small.

If you've ever wondered what it's like to attempt a shower with a toddler and a baby, it goes something like this:

• Turn on The Incredibles so Noah will be distracted. It works for about two peaceful minutes
• Elias starts to whine, so I sing You are my Sunshine from inside the shower, on loop
• Noah barges in and asks me 75,000 questions like, "Why is water wet?" and "Mommy, where is your penis?"
• Then the toddler announces he has to poop, and that "it's gonna be a stinky one" (he was right)
• The baby starts screaming. My baby is the loudest screamer I have ever encountered in my life. It is seriously unreal and deafening, so you can imagine how pleasant this was in a tiny enclosed space
• While Elias screams, Noah starts to freak out about how his butt is itchy and also starts screaming
• OMG I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A SHOWER
• I have to quickly finish up to calm the screaming baby and clean the little boy's butt, and have been instructed by my bossy boy to "dry off completely so you don't get water all over me". 

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you take a shower with a baby and a toddler. It's 0% relaxing, 50% kinda stressful, 50% necessary only if you're absolutely crazy.

I Did It

Brendan has been working hard for us as usual, and this past week he has been away on the east coast, Boston to be exact, at PAX East, a gaming expo. While he's been working on promoting their upcoming video game (Astroneer), I've been holding down the fort at home, and doing an awesome job (mostly).

I'm embarrassingly proud of myself for parenting alone for almost a whole week. Both kids are happy, healthy, engaged, not destroying my home, and we've been doing fun activities and going on outings. I pretty much rocked parenting until today, even though I haven't been getting much sleep. Today the clothes dryer stopped working, I ran out of coffee grounds because my subscription isn't arriving until tomorrow, and it hasn't stopped raining since 6:30am.

It's alright though, because of this one glorious little app on my phone called Postmates. I think the company is based out of San Francisco, and it's basically a delivery service for almost anything you can think of. Today, they brought me sanity in the form of McDonald's hot cakes for Noah and a sausage egg McMuffin meal for momie, complete with a giant coffee.

When the delivery guy arrived, Noah was so excited, and in true toddler fashion exclaimed, "Hey! You are a man and you are bringing us food and a BIG coffee for mumum! I don't drink coffee, I'm too wittle. You are a nice man, fank you!" Why is he so funny? Happy Sunday everyone, may your coffee cups be full and your children happy.

Busy Life With Two

I know, I know, where the heck have I been? I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling beat down by life the last couple of months. Sleep hasn't been plentiful in our house, but tantrums have been. It feels like there aren't enough hours in a day to do everything that needs to be done, but also like bedtime can't get here fast enough. My house is never completely clean, always smells a little funny, and it seems like the laundry never, ever ends.

Here's a quick update of what's gone down since I last posted:

• Noah had his first ear infection and was the loudest, most miserable sick person I have ever encountered in my life.
• Elias is teething, so he has been waking up every two hours during the night, like a newborn, poor cranky baby. He is a total momie's boy, and clings to me like no tomorrow.
• Brendan has been working hard as usual and was gone for a week in March, and will be again later this month.
• I started working out again to lose the baby weight. 
• We've been dealing with Noah forcefully asserting his will, and lemme tell you, he is very strong willed.
• Had a couple of tearful preschool drop offs, which was so sad and uncharacteristic.
• Noah started soccer classes.

Life has been good too, though! Noah's personality is really starting to shine through, and when he's not being obstinate, he is seriously so much fun. When we go out to the store, he always likes to "pay" when we're done. He brings along my old (metallic gold!) wallet filled with business cards and old gift cards, and swipes them on the keypad when we check out.

Eli has been getting exponentially cuter too, laughing at his big brother's antics and talking all the time. He's always so curious about everything, it's really beautiful to watch.

We've got family here this week for Elias' baptism, so it's going to be fun. It will also be a relief to have a couple extra pairs of hands to help us!  

Today in Hump Day News

1. I woke up nearly every hour on the hour last night. I'm fully a mombie today.

2. Sun can make almost any day brighter, both literally (obvi) and figuratively.

3. Being in walking distance of an amazing park is the best thing EVAR for a mommy of young kids.

4. My eldest is way too independent for his own good; he straight up left me to go potty halfway across the park without telling me first, I almost had a stroke.

5. Had the new smoked butterscotch latte, on ice, because I needed a sugar and caffeine rush and it's warm out. It was aiight.

6. Our apartment smells gross and I don't know why.

7. Teriyaki flavoured SPAM is bomb.

That is all, carry on. Happy Wednesday. OMG it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday.

TV Family Moments

The other day was a two cups of coffee kind of day. You parents know what I'm talking about. There's the morning coffee that helps you to not be a wretched human being for the day, and then there's that evening coffee that you try to avoid but sometimes cave to, because there's just no way you'd be able to handle your little lunatics before your spouse comes home and the kids go to bed.

For the briefest moment, (maybe 7 minutes?) it was just lovely and peaceful. All three of my kids (fur kid too) were happily playing while I sat on the couch with my special cup of coffee, watching an episode of Friends on Netflix. In that moment, I felt like I was living in some happy, feel-good, wholesome family sitcom! I was living the good life, a happy mommy with her happy brood!

Then my toddler jumped on the couch, headbutted me and spilled my coffee all over me from chin to crotch. Seriously all over, there was a pool of coffee inside the cups of my nursing bra. And I don't know how, but I somehow immediately already smelled of stale, day old coffee. How?!

Since everyone was quite content, I decided to take a speed-shower. While in the shower, I thought, "What could go wrong?" and that's when I remembered that Elias could roll onto his front now. I immediately called out to Noah to ask if Eli was on his back or tummy, to which he chirped, "He's on his tummy, mumum!". I leapt out of that shower so fast, leaving a trail of soap and water behind me! I got to my youngest son and my heart jumped into my throat because he looked like a dead rag doll on his front! I screamed, startled little Elias, who just turned to look at me, puzzled, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Sometimes, I can't believe this is my life. My life is a comedy of errors. Now, please excuse me while I attempt to lift permanent marker from Noah's favourite shirt. Have yourselves a great Thursday!

Blurry brotherly "love"

Cradle Cap

I was just talking to my best friend about our kids' cradle cap issues, and how I finally figured out how to wage war on it and win. For three months now, since Elias was about a month old, we've been tolerating the gross, scaly, yellow crustiness of his scalp. I tried olive oil, coconut oil, Vaseline, and shea butter. We've picked it off, scratched it off, scrubbed it off in the bath. Nothing worked, it just kept coming back after we thought we had conquered it.

Even his pediatrician couldn't offer any helpful advice. Noah had cradle cap for a few weeks too, but it had resolved itself by the time he was three months old. I knew I didn't want to try any medicated ointments or creams, so I slept on it and decided to try a new plan of attack.

The Honest Company had just come out with a new line of bath and body care, and since their products have worked so well for us in the past, I thought I would give their Nourishing line a try. I'm pretty sure little Elias inherited my dry skin, which means that we really need to keep him well moisturized in order to beat this cradle cap.

This was the plan:

1. Every single day last week, I treated his scalp with a bit of coconut oil for an hour.

2. Then, I washed his hair with Honest's Perfectly Gentle Shampoo + Body Wash, while brushing his scalp in a circular motion with a baby hairbrush.

3. After rinsing, I applied the Deeply Nourishing Conditioner and brushed him some more.

4. Finally after washing out the conditioner, I patted him dry and immediately applied a dollop of their Deeply Nourishing Face + Body Lotion. After that soaked in, I brushed him some more and dabbed a bit more of the lotion on him.

I noticed a difference almost immediately, and after three days, a vast improvement. After the fourth day, we've pretty much nearly gotten rid of it completely! Since it's the winter and we've got the heat on, applying the lotion at the first sign of dryness is key. I think that as soon as his scalp starts to get dry, the sebaceous glands in his scalp overproduce oil, which then leads to clogged pores and crusty scaliness.

I'm seriously so pleased that this worked! At first I thought that washing his scalp every day would make it worse, but so far it's only gotten better. High five for mommy perseverance!

Being Everything

In motherhood, I'm still in the early stages. I'm not quite the rookie mom with just a newborn, but I'm certainly not the mom soon facing an empty nest, with years and years of homework, tear wiping, door-slamming, and car pooling under her belt. I'm currently in a bit of a difficult part, the part where you don't ever seem to get enough sleep, and you're constantly needed if you're in the same room as your children. It's both taxing and rewarding at the same time.

My firstborn turned three years old last month. He no longer falls asleep on me for his nap. Actually, he hasn't for some time now because of my huge pregnant belly. I was told by several people that letting my boy sleep on me was a bad habit and that I shouldn't spoil him, it'll ruin his future sleep routine. I'm glad I didn't listen. I'm also glad I took 75 million pictures of us in that position, because I'll never have it with him again. That makes my heart hurt a tiny bit.

Just when I was coming to terms with releasing my first son from his babyhood, I find myself happily and thankfully neck deep in another baby's life. His need for me can feel all consuming, but this time, because I don't know if there will be another next time, I'm reveling in it. I put him to sleep on my shoulder just now, my giant four month old boy, two fistfuls of my hair in his little hands, not wanting to let me go. It made me so happy that I just wept and wept. They were tears of joy for still having the privilege of being the person who can give someone everything they need in this world, but wistful tears because I know now, how quickly it goes by.

A teacher of mine in college once told me that in order to live a full life, one should do one thing each day that scares you, because nothing worth doing was ever easy. He was right, motherhood is one of the scariest things I have ever undertaken. There are easier days and harder days, but I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

Have a beautiful weekend folks. xoxo

Rolling?!

Guys, my almost four month old just rolled over onto his tummy. I'm so proud of him but also, do I have to stress out about swaddling him at night now? I can't seem to catch a break, my boys like to do things too early. The more I try to will time to stop, the faster it seems to speed by. This might explain the nine glorious hours he slept last night. (Please keep doing that Elias, I'm ok with this part.)

Both boys are growing up so fast, can you two just stop it for a second? Momie needs to catch her breath!

Have a great weekend, may everyone stay warm, safe, and dry.

He seemed pleased with himself

There Are Only Two

When I'm out and about in the world, I often get looks of reverence that I don't feel I deserve. Sometimes people come right up to me to tell me how brave they think I am to venture out with a toddler and a baby. When did two kids become a preposterous thing to behold? My dad is the oldest of 21 kids and my mom the third eldest in a family of 8 children. Going to the store with 2 is really only a little bit harder for me, but I certainly didn't think we would attract quite so much attention!

Maybe it's cause my boys are so darn cute. Yeah, I'm just gonna go with that, because I really don't think I'm doing anything amazing over here. Please don't think I'm trying to tell anyone that it's easy, because that is just laughable. I haven't blogged in two weeks because I came down with a really bad case of mastitis that took me out for a whole week, and then I fell ill with some disgusting stomach virus that I am still only just now recovering from. While mommy is sick, life goes on, full steam ahead, with birthdays and birthday parties, toddler preschool, mommy and baby meetings, and kind friends who help you out when you feel like you can't go on anymore.

Having children is difficult, and I look back at pictures of Brendan and I from three years ago and am shocked by the amount we have aged since having Noah, but it's not impossible. I am passionate about raising these boys, even if I complain a lot about it, and feel broken from all the gross germs they bring into the house.

When you're a parent, as I've said countless times before, it feels like it can become a thankless slog of a job, but I don't need any medals. I just want to not feel like I'm failing every day, like I'm making some sort of difference in the world by giving it these two great little boys. I guess I won't know until years from now, so I'll try to enjoy the here and now and do my very best.

Happy Groundhog Day!

Sick Days? Ha!

Happy MLK Jr. day! While I am all about the wonderful teachings of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., it also happens to mean the doctor's office is closed today. On a day I woke up with a fever of 102.6 and mastitis in my left breast. Fabulous. Plus as a stay at home mom, it's not like I can tell Noah and Elias that they are on their own while I take the day off to lie down and hydrate, and pray I don't get worse before I can get to a doctor.

And so here I am, a sweaty, sore mess, trying not to clean my house that desperately needs to be cleaned (I vacuumed because I'm either really stupid or have OCD), and doing my best to care for my three year old and three month old. Praise the lord that they are being good boys today! (Also, Netflix and Mighty Machines are really helping me out with Noah.)

It's noon and so far, so good. Honestly, I'd rather be the one sick than having to worry about one of my Littles being sick, whether it is my small humans or my nearly eight year old rabbit. I can handle my own illness much better than I can handle anxiety!

Do you want to know what is really odd? The sense of accomplishment I am getting from parenting while feeling this sick. I really do feel kind of like a superhero. A really weak, hot and sweaty, superhero. *high five*

My First Baby

My first baby is fast becoming a big boy, his third birthday is this coming Saturday. As exciting as it is to see him grow and learn and start to become his own person, as his momie, I have to admit that it hurts my heart just a little bit too. He's still little, but he is definitely no longer a baby. With each birthday that passes, I feel a little bit wistful, even though I am so proud of the boy he has become, and the boisterous way with which he lives each day to the fullest.

I was already feeling weepy and sentimental when I stumbled upon this poem by an unknown author, and now I am a total wreck:

"My Son"

Hold him a little longer,
Rock him a little more.
Tell him another story
(You've only told him four).
Let him sleep on your shoulder,
Rejoice in his happy smile.
He is only two and a half
For such a little while.

 Author: Unknown

The last three years went by in the blink of an eye. We learned so much together, I learned how to be a mother, and he learned so much more. I got to watch him smile, laugh, roll over, crawl and walk, over just a few months. Now he's a big boy, a big brother, who talks non stop, builds things, plays with his trains and train tracks, plays ball, and sings all the time. He's my grocery helper and laundry helper; my mess maker and my noise creator. The other day while waiting in the check out line at the grocery store, he told me, "I'll be right back mumum, I'm just gonna go get some wine for you". He makes me and everyone around him laugh every day! He also infuriates me every day, but I think that might just be because we are family. 
I will let myself cry a little bit this afternoon for my baby that is a baby no more, hold him a little longer, and relish the fact that he still fits nicely in my lap as I read him his favourite books. Three is fast approaching.

An Almost Threenager

Nobody can make my blood boil like my toddler. He's my beautiful, incredibly bright, energetic little boy, but he drives me crazy 50% of the time. The answer to everything now is "no", he very obviously wants to exert his will and show us that he is a person with choices, but my patience tank is just about empty. The thing is, patience is the key to feeling like you are somewhat of a good parent, so now you know where my morale is at the moment.

I have been feeling like everything is a struggle, everything is a battle of wills and I'm exhausted by it. If he doesn't respond to reasoning, he only backs down after I've already lost my temper. Who on earth wants to lose their temper 75 times a day? Not I, and certainly not with one of the loves of my life.

We will get past this obstinate behaviour (I hope), and will one day look back on these years as the sweet and adorable ones of childhood, but right now I feel like I'm barely surviving it. Add a new baby, sleep deprivation, and exhaustion into the mix and you really have to marvel at how strong parents are capable of being.

Years from now, if Noah should ever decide to read my blog, I absolutely expect a heartfelt thank you for not abandoning him at Target after a giant public tantrum. Oh and by the way, THANK YOU, MOMMY. I know how crazy I drove you, and Noah is giving you your revenge.

It's not all fighting and hardship here, though. He is also chatting away and playing make believe like nobody's business; he loves reading and counting and building things; and he is really sweet to his baby brother. My Noah is a good kid, just a strong willed one. Takes one to know one, I guess. Have a great weekend!

Ggaahh

I think that I can say with total conviction, that last night was the toughest night of being a mommy to two babies I have experienced so far.

Just as I had gotten the meatloaf in the oven, and just as I thought I would get to have one glorious hour of sitting down and possibly relaxing, my baby started to fuss. Naturally, this was also the exact moment my toddler absolutely needed me to build a train track bridge and have 3 books read to him. I tried my best to meet everyone's needs/appease both of my forces of nature, but it seemed like the baby's fussiness was ramping up. 

Was it ever ramping up. The next two hours were spent jiggling, rocking, burping, nursing, singing to, belly massaging, and bicycle-legging my littlelest boy. None of this mattered, he still screamed like a banshee with a microphone.

Meanwhile, sweet Noah was also trying to comfort his brother and yet at the same time still needed me to read him books and get him milk. At this point, I basically had to choose whose needs were most important and decided that Elias' uncharacteristic screaming warranted my full attention. After enduring lots of his acrobatics around me while I tried everything to soothe the baby, I finally, sternly told Noah to read his books in the living room like a good big boy and that I'd get him milk when I could. I detected a small face crumple, but it was brief. 

When Elias seemed to calm down, I rushed off to try to attend to my Noah, who ran up to me and worriedly confessed that he had ripped one of his favourite books. When I saw the book, it didn't look like an accident, it looked like he had ripped the book apart violently. "Why did you rip your book, Noah?" I asked. "Because I was sad. And then I was sad I ripped my book", he said. This just about broke my heart. I burst into tears and scooped him up in my arms for a big snuggle even though the baby had started to scream again in the other room. 

I felt so defeated. I tried my very best but it just wasn't enough. I know that in the long run, last night was barely a blip on the radar, and that neither one of them will remember it, but all I could think was that I had let my big boy down by ignoring his needs for the new baby. This boy who made me a mother, this boy who up until 12 weeks ago, was my everything. I guess the transition to two is a little bit tougher than I initially anticipated.

It's a new day though, and I swear to you, my boys, that I'm doing my very best for you.